To mark Grief Awareness Week, Beth Sutton-Evans, marketing campaign manager working in protection at Legal & General, speaks to Health & Protection about the overwhelming grief she has experienced since the death of her husband in the Spring of 2023, the importance of the company’s mental health support and protection cover and why she feels she has no choice but to live in the now.
Terminal diagnosis
Sutton-Evans’ journey with battling grief actually started years before her husband Pete’s death.
“My husband, Pete, died of lung cancer in April 2023,” Sutton-Evans says.
But it was upon his terminal cancer diagnosis in February 2019 that she first used Legal & General’s employee assistance programme (EAP) benefits to access mental health support and see a counsellor specialising in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
“They gave me some useful tools to help me be there to support my husband and deal with the anticipatory grief that at that point we were told would be inevitable,” she continues.
“Over the years between confirmation of terminal diagnosis and death there were a few instances where we were told that death was imminent with particular marks on my memory from a couple of instances.
“Firstly, a committed request to sign DNR (do not resuscitate) over two years before Pete’s death and a panicked dash to the hospital to say goodbye with kids in tow many months before Pete actually died.
“The reason I mention these instances is to point out that once there is an inevitability of someone dying, grief kicks in long before that person has died.
“As the person closest to Pete that weighed heavy on me to carry on for me and my children and without giving too much to him.
“Luckily, the relationship we had was so open that I was able to be open with him about my sadness of death so I didn’t have to hold it exclusively on my own.”
Coping with Pete’s loss
But despite being able to mentally prepare, when the time came, Sutton-Evans describes her loss as “monumental”.
“Pete was my husband and father of my two children, aged seven and 10 at the time of his death. He meant the world to me and them,” she continues.
“He was the fun in the house and the measured logical presence that drove us forward.
“We obviously knew long before he died that this was where our lives were going but overnight the impact on our lives was monumental. Every moment of how we lived changed with his absence.
“He was still at home when he died and even with ever frequent hospital stays he was a daily part of mine and the kids’ lives.
“He was my balance and voice of reason and he was the kids provider of fun and love.
“He was super engaged in the kids’ lives and interests, remaining a key part of Ella’s football coaching team up to just weeks before he died.
“He had just started a coin collection with Charlie days before he died showing how he was still loving to get involved in their excitement and interests.”
Normal life carrying on
In the immediate aftermath of Pete’s death, Sutton-Evans reflects on a time in which she felt only able to do the bare minimum of life of getting the kids off to school and going back to bed until they needed picking up.
“I relied heavily on food delivery services to feed the kids because the task of having to prepare food was just too much,” she continues.
“Normal life carried on and we took strength from each other and did the best we could to keep going and do what we needed to do.
“I was lucky enough to have enough financial resilience and a supportive company to be able to take six months off work.
“At that time I was not capable of giving anything else other that what my kids needed and that in itself was hard enough.”
Employer benefits
But in her darkest hours Sutton-Evans did benefit from two “super supportive” employers, she says.
“We used the private healthcare provided by Pete’s company to enable us to go private when we were struggling to get a diagnosis,” she continues.
“It took us two years to get Pete diagnosed and I question whether we would have gone there if we didn’t have the option to go private.
“Pete was a fit, young, 34 year old non-smoker when he got diagnosed, so lung cancer was completely written off as a possible cause and I truly believe that if we had not gone private and got the timely surgical treatment Pete received his life would have been significantly shorter.”
Mental health support
Another key factor has been the mental health support on offer, Sutton-Evans says.
“I have fully used the mental support available through our EAP benefits and have received counselling on numerous occasions over the last six years,” she notes.
“Having this support has had such a profound impact on me that I have now been seeing my therapist for over a year, privately funded, with no plans to stop anytime soon.
“As grief changes so do my reactions to it and without my therapist I would be in a much worse place than I am.”
But her employer has also provided financial support to the charities close to Sutton-Evan’s heart in the depths of her grief.
“Last November me and the kids took part in the walk for the hospice that looked after Pete with his end of life care.
“We raised more than £2,500 and L&G matched this and doubled the amount we were able to donate to such a personally important cause.
“Doing something to help others going through the pain that you know all to well really helped to give meaning and hope to me and my children.”
Importance of protection cover
Thankfully Sutton-Evans also benefitted from protection cover.
“We were well covered by both a critical illness cover (CIC) and life policy and the pay outs we received helped us in so many ways,” Sutton-Evans says.
“Firstly, we had some great family holidays and memories that the kids will hold forever. Pete was able to not go back to work after diagnosis.
“Having to work and receive cancer treatment would be a task in itself. Not only do the treatments leave you physically weak and vulnerable but they also take a lot of time.
“Pete would often be sitting in a chair for eight hours at a time receiving chemo.
“We were even at one point having to go to Surrey three times a week when we were part of a trial with the Royal Marsden an opportunity that would have been difficult to follow if having to work full time around that.”
Extending Pete’s life
The most important benefit the pay out provided was that it extended Pete’s life.
“The only positive impact from treatment Pete had was when we had private treatment that was costing £25,000 a round,” Sutton-Evans reveals.
“Getting good news for once was worth every penny we spent but it makes me feel so sad for people that don’t have the same options and have the pressure of having to raise money to get treatment that you know will extend your life.
“Lastly, it’s meant that I’ve had less pressure on me financially.
“I took off seven months during the five years of treatment when the pressure of caring for my dying husband and kids just became too much.
“I’ve also been able to take extended leave immediately after his death and benefit from unpaid parental leave to make the most of time with my kids over summer holidays.”
But Sutton-Evans reveals she has also benefitted from support from her team.
“My manager has been amazing and still continues to support me in my evolving needs. The tools that are used as part of the GP support package have been really helpful to work out what work duties I can cope with and what I find triggering.
“Its helped both me and my manager to understand elements I would not have previously considered.”
Take whatever you can afford
Sutton-Evans message is that it is important for people to take whatever cover they can afford.
“You don’t know how much it can help you until you are in the situation where you need it,” she continues.
“We would have been completely financially depleted after five years of cancer treatment without the benefits of our protection plans and Pete’s death in service.
“If I had the burden of not having enough money as well as emotionally supporting my kids I’m not sure how I would cope.
“The fear that would bring would be overwhelming and compounding the feeling of being on your own that you have when your spouse dies.”
Reaching a place of acceptance
In terms of how she is doing today, Sutton-Evans says she is not in the place she ever thought or hoped she would be.
“Grief changes and impacts in completely different ways over time,” she says.
“I think I’m only just getting over the shock and adrenaline of pushing forward and getting us through. That takes quite a lot of energy and isn’t maintainable forever.
“Where I am now is in a place of acceptance – acceptance that my life won’t be as good as it would have been had Pete still be alive.
“As I’m sitting in this place with less adrenaline I also have more space for other people’s grief mainly of my kids and Pete and that’s way more sad than any other point of my grief journey so far.”
Consequently, Sutton-Evans says her plans for the future are “limited”.
“I’ve spent my whole life working towards something be it education, university, graduate scheme, career, first house, marriage, kids then untimely death of my husband – but now there’s nothing there’s just now,” she says.
“I’ve recently reflected on how we all strive to live in the present and that’s exactly where I am.
“But that’s as a result of what’s happened to me and my mental capacity rather than through choice.
“It doesn’t feel great but I’m accepting it and working through it with ongoing support from my therapist.”